Sherdog.com’s Guide to The Ultimate Fighter

OK, so I want you to forget all previously heralded reality show hatchet men. Trump did his thing. The Hell's Kitchen chef that called people "fat muffins" was amazing. Omorosa, well she divided a nation. None of these aforementioned turds compare to Dana White when it comes time to clowning somebody.

Dana, tonight I salute you and your ability to keep it real … along with the appropriate smugness that a man of your stature is and should be accustomed to. Seriously this guy just keeps getting better.

The UFC’s popularity/product/opportunity has just skyrocketed since White’s gotten involved but does that stop him from airing F Bombs like a common dockworker? No, and I love it.

I'm a firm believer that "bleeps" are far funnier and poignant than the actual curse word itself. It's time that the comedic performances of The Ultimate Fighter switch from the occasional drunk contestant to well, the President of the UFC himself. Seriously, Carrot Top may win the hair war but Dana White has my comedy seal of approval. I'll explain later.

At this point in the season, the UFC mansion is almost all red jerseys since Tito's team continues to win their fights. Last week Solomon was kicked out of the competition, literally by a glancing leg thrown by Rory, who stayed in the house and split up the "Team Dagger" alliance.

Team Punishment Golden Boy Matt Hamill continues to draw the ire of his teammates. The only friend he has in the house is fellow teammate Danny Abaddi, a genuine nice guy whom I've never mentioned before. Why haven't I mentioned him? Maybe because we've never seen him.

Danny's part of that crew of TUF guys that don't show up in the episodes until it's almost their week to fight. Why don't we see more of Danny? It's probably because he's a normal human being who doesn't need to lash out for attention. He's one of those guys that producers have no time for since he's rational and can turn his mouth off. Of course he'll probably not be seen again until he's fighting in the finals and has a UFC contract (see Kenny Florian (Pictures)).

Most of Matt's teammates see him as getting preferential treatment and since he's deaf he gets more attention and leeway. Obviously most of his teammates are looking out for their own ass and don't have time to worry about Matt. Some have complained of his "going too hard" during training; Matt seems to love to run at 100 percent.

Now I could sit back and talk about how hard it is to bridge the communication gap between deaf and hearing. I could tell you that since Matt hasn't picked up on half the guy's names it just goes to show how hard it can be for him to assimilate. I could tell you that having had a deaf football coach once, I know too well how hard it can be to get the smallest idea across when you're out of patience with each other.

It's kind of like e-mails: sometimes you can be joking around but without hearing the "inflection" at the right times, you get confused. Bottom line is I don't care that Matt is deaf or is having a hard time in the house. Matt's my pick to win his weight class, only because the rest of the field is out to get him and that speaks volumes.

Their frustrations are borne out of Matt's physical dominance. These guys are dying to actually punch him to level the playing field against a more sovereign grappler. So before you guys start crying about Matt's being deaf and it being a handicap and all that crap, sure it hurts in the friend making process but in the Octagon he's a grown-ass man and deserves whatever comes his way.

So don't try and call Ty and the rest of Extreme Home Makeover if I crack jokes on Matt, he's going to be just fine.

Over on Team Shamrock, more trouble is brewing in the coach/student world. Tait Fletcher (Pictures) has another run-in with Ken Shamrock (Pictures). Earlier in this season these guys were portrayed as disrespectful to Ken, but as the season wears on we see that they are just frustrated with his coaching style.

Tait and Ken do some fussin' and Tait opts to stop the circular argument and step out of the situation. Ken continues to look clueless as to what to do with these guys or how to even bond with them on the smallest of levels.

I'm just going by what I see but it would seem that unless you show up to his door on your knees and with cash in hand, you're not worth his time. I realize that's a flippant thing to say, but I have nothing else to go on … that's the only vibe I'm getting from this guy.

The previously mentioned Hamill got his snot box rocked by a kick from Kendall Grove. Kendall caught Matt flush in training and left him a little wobbly during practice. Matt is sent off for an MRI but everything comes back positive. This is Matt's first time to get really whacked and it takes its toll. Nothing like getting a tad concussed.

Matt spends the night on his bed looking for support that only Danny will provide. Nobody wants to cook or take care of Matt and I can't blame them. I wouldn't give a family member a kidney if he needed one, I'm damn sure not going to make you a sandwich during competition.

Team Shamrock is still in control of the selection process. They decided to skip Hamill since he's been roughed up and they choose one of the other "who is this guy?" choices in Josh Haynes (Pictures). Josh is another personality that isn't overwhelming enough to be featured in the first few episodes. Josh is, however, one of Couture's boys so you know he can probably fight.

Tito chooses Tait Fletcher (Pictures) to be Josh's opponent. Tait has to put his previous beef with Ken on the shelf as they train for his approaching battle with Josh.

After the fight announcement, Noah Inhofer is given a mysterious envelope. Back at the UFC compound, the guys decide to toilet paper Noah's bed (this show should be renamed "Lame Prank Island") while he is off reading his letter.

Noah is upset and he steps outside to clear his head. The guys are worried since bad news from home could mean anything and with all of them spending time away from families and loved ones, they commiserate with Noah and what he could be going through. Several of the guys lend emotional support until they learn that Noah is worried about his girlfriend getting fed misleading information regarding Noah and the activities of his — for lack of a better word — wiener.

Noah is devastated that someone is trying to smear his good name. He's eager to communicate with his beloved so he asks for a special phone call.

Now, these men are all sequestered from outside media and contact from other humans. For those of you mouth-breathers out there, “sequestered” means no T.V., no radio, no Internet and no FHM with “Veronica Mars” on the cover sitting on your bathroom counter.

Dana bristles at the idea of Noah getting a phone call just to speak with his estranged woman. In fact Dana decides to go ahead and bust out the best line quote in three years … enjoy it in its fullness:

"I'm not a dickhead. If his mom was sick; if his dad was sick; if his grandparents; his aunt; his uncle; his wife; his kids … if something was wrong with them, by all means we'd let him make a phone call"

Then later: "His girlfriend of six months is upset that he might be cheating on her … heh heh … I don't give a f___".

Bwwaaaahhhhh!

Yes, Dana, thank you for reminding us that in the UFC game it's "bro's and elbows before hos." Seriously Noah quit, getting home quickly to fix this girlfriend mess. Noting on his way out that, "this will be looked at two ways: I'll either be a coward for going home or a hero for fighting what I believe in."

Slow down there Braveheart.

We've all had our hearts and egos shattered by venomous women at some point, but you can't let them dictate your life. Showing up under your crush's bedroom window, with your ukulele under your arm and your hair parted and wearing a bad suit, it just doesn't work in the real world. You know what does work? Money and fame, two things that Noah would have had if he would have stuck around to win his fight. Somebody please call Alanis because things are getting ironic.

So, mankind loses one more battle and it hurts everyone. Now I don't get to see a fight tonight because Noah's decision screwed up the balance of the teams. That means next week a previously beaten competitor gets to come back. Jesse is the natural choice since he lost to Noah early on.

Halfway through my write up I got a call from this girl that's trying to get close to the big man. I told her I'd call her back when I was through, but now that I think about it I might just skip that as a moment of solidarity for all the men out there that refuse to let the fairer sex run our lives.

What am I saying? I'm calling her. It's not my fault that Noah never saw "Swingers.” I'll just take my chances and refuse to let her keep me from reaching the stars.