Sherdog.com’s Guide to the “Ultimate Fighter”

Last week on The Ultimate Fighter, Josh Rafferty was sent home a little swollen after Diego Sanchez gave him the old “boot and body” shampoo. Diego’s skills are pretty slick and he looks to be a fighter of UFC caliber. This week’s show begins with the usual breakdown of last week’s fight.

Everyone agrees that Rafferty shouldn’t have picked Diego. I hope they remember that when it’s their turn to pick a middleweight to fight, to go ahead and have Diego pack your bags if you pick him.

Dana White has had these boys separated from society and any forms of communication for a while, so it came as a surprise to them all when a big screen television appeared and they got to watch UFC 50 together with Randy Couture and Chuck Liddell.

While Tito Ortiz is phoning in his fight with Patrick Cote, Dana phones some of the fighters from the event, presumably to tell them that they could be fighting in the Octagon if they win. He also may have called to say that he spotted Mario Lopez in the crowd, who knows?

For the first time during this show I was really jealous of the contestants. I’d kill to be able to get a pay-per-view UFC and watch it with Randy, Chuck and a room full of pro fighters. Every time I host a UFC at my house, inevitably someone shows up with a couple of morons I don’t know.

Halfway through the first fight, here come the usual comments and questions:

“Why are they just laying there?”

“Why doesn’t he just throw him down?”

“They are just hugging each other”

“Didn’t Royce Gracie kill a guy in the UFC?”

Then these guys, who only know how to punch in the style of the windmill, make outrageous claims such as:

“I’d just break his kneecap,” or “ I just wouldn’t let him wrap his legs around me,” and my personal all-time favorite: “If you just punch a guy in the nose hard enough you can kill him because his bone will go into his brain.”

Listen: Unless you are Roy Jones Jr. and you decide to hit a sleeping child, this is just not possible. I’m sorry to be the one to crush your little spirit.

The next time one of these goofballs shows up at my house making these comments I am going to shoot them in the neck with a blow dart gun. I will simply claim that a ninja came in and did it. It will serve them right since they’re only point of reference for fighting comes from “Bloodsport,” Steven Segal and a couple of episodes of “Walker, Texas Ranger.”

After getting to watch the fights together the guys spend the next day performing another “exciting” physical challenge. Sam Hoger and Forrest Griffin win the challenge by hauling water up and down stairs to keep Chuck from getting dunked in a dunking booth.

Forrest has been aching for a fight and he picks Team Couture member Alex Schoenauer as his opponent.

While these two guys are preparing to fight the rest of the house decides to focus their attention on Hoger. It seems that Stephan Bonnar is missing some supplements and everyone else is missing their UFC clothes and gear. Instead of hiring Encyclopedia Brown or Nancy Drew to catch the thief, the boys just go through everyone’s bags and, lo and behold, the most popular guy in the house, Sam Hoger has plenty of gear in his bags.

Everyone is convinced that Sam swiped their stuff and the rest of the episode he gets backed into a corner and finally gives back the stuff, but with no real apology. This isn’t UFC: CSI and I don’t know if he took the schwag or not, but it’s obvious that Sam’s not feeling the love from the other guys.

So now it’s time for Alex and Forrest to fight. Forrest shows up with his head shaved for this fight and both guys look like they mean business. Forrest said he chose Alex because he was the “weakest” guy on Team Couture, but in the opening flurry he gives Forrest some good shots.

Both guys throw some heavy hands but Forrest decides to take Alex down to the ground and there he takes control. Once he gets the mount he is able to hammer Alex until he taps due to strikes. Forrest wins but he gets a pretty big cut on his eye that could be a problem next week.

What have we learned this week? Forrest can fight. Like a kitty, Chuck Liddell doesn’t like to get wet. Sam Hoger may or may not be a cat burglar. And most importantly, I don’t like to watch fights with morons.

Just once I’d like for someone to show up at my house with Frank Trigg, Frank Mir, Frank Shamrock … any of the Fighting Frank’s really. Actually, I think I’d rather watch it with pro fighter, Shelby Walker. She’s gorgeous and she knows what the hell is going on in a mixed martial arts fight. Plus I could put my arm around her and if she protests I’d be like, “Hey mama, I’m just trying out a new neck crank.”